I've given up loneliness and moved into the knowledge that I am only alone but within arms reach there are humans all around me that admire me and encourage me to push, to push, to push, "its in your nature to push" I hear them saying...This north shore of surf territory is the place to push too, we got a lot of jocks out here, it gets into the blood or it did mine and I've been trying to catch up with them for the last five years even with this end stage liver disease, I've had this dream of fitting into life here, I've wanted my physical and mental health restored. It was not easy. I cried for myself, felt sorry for myself, was rejected by lots of people and rejected lots of people because I needed help to even go to the grocery store, I could not go into the ocean alone when I moved here, I'd been off treatment for 3 years and was still getting around with a cane. I put that cane down when I moved here and replaced it with dancing. I accept the fact I was on my own, no one cared that I had a disease because they did not know what it means to be saddled with one. This horse now knows.
Here I am a full blown hoop dancer. I go places out here and get called "The Hoop Lady", it charms me, the idea since I am 61 years old. I expected to be an old woman at this age and instead I find I am this fierce spirit living with a disease I never knew I had until I was the age of 53. I am gathering year on top of year here with every one turning me into a woman I never knew lived inside of me, I have my disease to thank for the revelation, that and my spirit that so loves being alive that it has been willing to be held up in a shower by a wimp of woman crying her heart out over the loss of everything she ever knew about herself while hating everyone else for not seeing my misery and loss.
I haul my spirit onto the shore with my hoops and spin for two to four hour stretches until I am so exhausted there is nothing left to do but go home and begin refueling and massaging my muscles. I now have leg cramps that cause me to cry like a baby at times. I've noticed I don't have so much pain from my disease because I exercise so strenuously that the pain from the hoop dancing and cycling is where I get off, that pain can be so daunting, I don't have time to think about my liver aching and swollen, my legs feel like they will split and divide where the muscles contact. I sit with an ice pack on my legs for hour, my arms then I apply it to my liver for a few minutes, sweet relief there and comes much faster than the recovery of the leg muscles. I simply found another focus but it feeds the liver, it keeps the blood and oxygen circulating for my liver, my beloved liver, my best friend along with my hoops, I live for these two babies, my liver, my hoops.
I'm happy again in this world I've had to recreate, I find I like it better than my old world, I'm stronger, I shine more brightly, I have strength I never knew existed, I've never loved myself more nor have I ever had a better feeling for how we all fit together on this planet even though we don't get along, we do all belong here in an effort to, my disease taught me this, it is here, it won't go anywhere but to die with me, its my life now, I can't ignore it or I won't have a life. Its the most stable balance I've ever known, survival. That takes focus...It takes accepting every little thing you never wanted to about yourself and letting it just live quietly inside of my being...
I just had my breakfast of oatmeal cooked for one hour, organic oats, I chill them, put blueberries and walnuts on top of them with sugar and almond extract and yummy my liver really digs it, I can tell by the way I feel after eating it, I bake it in the oven and it turns into the most beautiful looking blueberry pie! For breakfast! Now that is real life...I eat it jelled and cold while standing on the shore hoop dancing. There is enough food left on the planet that works for my liver's health so I eat them and shut up, just get on with it and move into the flow that is life.tumblr
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