Tsunami

May 5, 2015

I feel a Tsunami near.

Today cleaning McPalace I doused an eye ball with rubbing alcohol. It sloushed out of an open bottle that I was using on a self in the kitchen. Its the only chemical I can clean with that does not cause liver fatigue. My reflexes were great, I was pissed, screamed fuck, then stuck my eye ball under the pouring water faucet.

Maybe I am already inside a Tsunami or maybe it has hit and I am lost in the shocked debree. I made the mistake of confusing a wicked old witch with what I thought to be an honest person. The upside is that the situation is ripe with life lessons.

I must remember not to hold so tightly to the sails. At times we are meant to be overtaken and forced deeply beneath the surface of life. Anyone can be the teacher. The best teachers you learn to hate, after years of them, you get the hang of it. There are signs. I have a tendency to take in train wrecks. I see it clearly now. Because I do, I just dodged getting hit by two different trains that came along on entirely different days.

I am worn thin from mistakes. They are pricey shoes to wear. But life is fraught with mistakes if you are hoplessly optimistic and have a generous spirit. I think I do. I think its the sourse of a lot of disappointment. But now, I have learned to see train wrecks coming. Now the ones that hit me, I ride them, I accept they can break me. I was born to be broken.

This goddamn move has been too hard on me but it has placed me in a better position to begin again. I think here I may have a more loving response to the lessons I learn as here there is no one malicous around me.

A handful of times I have wondered if I would bled out during this move. I kept moving anyway. My concern, my fear became acceptance. I grew to see it was not so important if I did die between homes, it was just more work. Not for me but for those left behind. I am my true home. It is a place I carry on my back like a turtle shell. Its the only hiding place I can resort to. It disappears with my death.

Let me say this, if you do not want to read about dying then turn the page, enter a different Google Blog search for I have not more important than this to share.

Its growing into the days last light. The sky is lit with pink againt the volcanic mountains. The birds are lost in their last chattering of the day. Its gentle and sorrowful sound is in great contrast to the joyously hopeful churping racket of the mornings here.

I like my new Ohana. I am glad the dragon queen breathed fire and torched me to the bone. Its as if I am rising from my own ashes ready to face any living life asks of me. I can cry through anything. My tears are my strength.