Losing ground, zero gravity...

My core organs are so tired. I feel like I am losing ground now. Its a huge concern. My fear is I will cease to be able to cycle. Its the only place I can go where I am truly alone and hear no voices but my own. Its where I find my will, my strength, my love, its the place where I fall off deeply into loving everything about my being and the life I have lived thus far. I pulled myself up this afternoon and got out and cycled in the hot sun but there was a beautiful island breeze but it was strong and the head winds were powerful riding into them but I actually like riding in strong head winds, I learn lots, it makes for harder riding which causes more oxygen to flow and with every pressure againstthe pedals. I am pumping blood. I plan to do a long endurance ride tomorrow. I will take food and lots of fluid and something to lie on and rest after riding a couple of hours if I need to. I expect if I do pull it off to Kaena Point and back that its going to flatten me for a week but I want to ride 40 miles, I need to know I can do that. 

4/9/16

I am lazy. Of course I do not want to get up and set out in the island sun with this old dying liver but if I know any peace today, thats where I will find it. Its the only place I can go to foreget my journey here on earth is nearing its end. Its the only place I cam find that allows me to embrace, accept and understand how I must die just as all who have gone before me. I am fairly discontent when I am not pushing my pedals. I am extremely too lonely unless I am cycling. My body is lethargic if I do not cycle. My organs grow large, tight and hard if I do not cycle. I begin gasping for breath if I go long without cycling. My eyes begin to turn yellow, my skin coloring becomes unusual and itchy.  I am outrunning these conditions if I am cycling. Once the pedals begin to turn, the chain spinning my brain fires up then muscle memory sets in and its all easy, its all joy. Tears take on a different meaning. I am out and into life. I am keeping my liver functioning because I want to live that badly. Gratitude sets in. Its remarkable the degree which I love myself and my life, remarkable that I have an iron will to live.

Morning 4/10/16

I did it! 40 miles round trip and not only did I do it, I took my sweet time and enjoyed every second and I never stopped to rest. I stopped a handful of times to hydrate and a couple to fuel. I drank apple cider vinegar the whole way there and back. I stopped to take photos. I had a few large hills to climb but my new race road bike has a back gear just for that. I doubled my endurance yesterday! Mighty happy about it because I have now had liver cancer two full years. The trek turned into this monumental task of me in gratitude but also facing the ways I am too hard on people. I am an intense bird. Its kind of shocking to find out much it heals me riding that far because now I will be wanting to cycle at least 40 miles just for the dramatic effects it has on my mental and physical health. I guess I've found the right monastery. I stretched off and on for hours after my cycle and I never cramped up after it, so it really was all a total success. I cycled the shore headed west yesterday, soon I do the endurance trek again but headed down the east shore.   

living With Hepatitis C: I ride alone

living With Hepatitis C: I ride alone: January 6, 2016 Somehow I have made it into another new year. This is very exciting for me. I live one day at a time, I have not assumed I w...

I ride alone

January 6, 2016

Somehow I have made it into another new year. This is very exciting for me. I live one day at a time, I have not assumed I would get this far. I just keep pushing myself forward. I ride more than ever or at least as much as I ever did 5 years ago or last year. I cycle better, I cycle faster, my joy is greater, my attitude has more peace in it even though I ride harder, much harder on my new mountain bike. It was my gift to myself August 2014 after treatment, I had 90 grueling days of it and at the middle developed cancer. Now I ride it to survive cancer as long as I can. How long? Who knows? Honestly, I have recently come to understand that I have been changing so much from having that surprise cast on me that I see now I do not even think of myself as being ill from anything but a failing liver. I will die not so much from cancer as I will from the effects of decompensated liver disease. Its causing all my organs to malfunction, especially my brain, I have a very serious serum sodium imbalance. I also have little ability to clot blood. My organs seep fluids. I live with smaller to greater amounts of edema.  None of it keeps me off the road cycling or out of the woods on my mountain bike. It limits the energy I can ride with so I focus on building muscle, it now propels me. I have some badass glutes. My core is hard muscle. I eat like a horse, I pack fuel like a work horse. This is my success. I seem to have lost almost all else. I must not be enjoyable to be around for most people I know. But the few take me the full mark of knowing they hate knowing they will lose me any moment even though I look fine and dandy. My act does not fool them but it gives them hope, it makes them happy, they are so dear they tell me I inspire them. I so love hearing them cheer for me, for my life that I am able to keep going. No one foregoes treatment for cancer but I believe there are people who fully recognize the dangers of the methods used to treat large organ cancers. No one else is my call. I do respect whatever choices a person in my shoes makes. Here, there is no right, no wrong but a hell of a lot of chance. I exercise strenuously every week many hours in hopes of improving my chances and possibly creating some new ways to approach our feelings and our fears about cancer. I could sit down but I surely would lose my mind. Its better moving, circulating blood and oxygen that is stagnant. I have become rather addicted at this point to forcing life out of myself then back in. Yes I am a bore. I have become a bore. I am serious. I am focused. Life is beautiful and light feels grand but the daily ho hum is flat deadening. Once I found a great deal of joy in most of it; now my focus is very tight and its grip refuses to be broken. I am happiest cycling alone. I doubt I am much interesting to anyone other than myself...