I so miss being a woman with only Hepatitis C. I could far better handle the knowledge that that virus was roaring thru me but this. This has no hope in it. I cannot find it if it does. Its just rapping my soul and sucking all my beautiful energy from my body and spirit. To admit it, makes me want to puke. If only I could puke it out, if only I could bleed until it poured from me. I totally understand why people go after it and try to destroy it but I am not making that choice. There is already too much at war in my body to start another battle. It seems every battle just sets the stage for another fight so why not just go out as smoothly and gracefully as I can pull out of myself.
Can I pull smooth and graceful out of myself again? Maybe, I have no anger. I do not think anger is the way to face terror. I think I must look down the lion's throat to survive in tact on my way out of here.
I will try to ride again this evening but riding has become so sorrowful. Everything has become filled with sorrow, my whole life has turned into tears. I am lucky that with every tear there is a beautiful memory that I was wise enough to create, to hope for, to fight for, to organize my life around. But what now, everything I see, I see as if I am seeing it for one last time. Its as if I am memorizing the line of the coast, the light as it moves and reshapes itself across the island throughout my day, every single choice that defines me as the woman I made myself into.
I want to stay, I do not want to go. There is so much beauty in living. I want to dance, cycle, swim and love again and again and again. But the arch I live beneath curves not up towards the open sky, its a half dome casting shadows every place I stand. I cannot scream its not fair because its fair enough, this is life we live. Life does as it will, not as we tell it to. So I wait and in waiting I remember all of you, all of your love, every moment we laughed together, every time we made fools of ourselves. I am blessed in that I knew from first awareness that I would embrace every desire I had, I would ride out every consequence from every experience I was part of that was only to teach me to live more fully until I got it right, until I get it so that I can know who I am and what I am made of.
Okay I will do that. I will simply keep doing just that. For now, I have no pain in my body from this cancer and for that I am thankful. Humans can suffer so horribly from the pain of this dying. I fear nothing but becoming bitter from pain. Death makes me sad but it does not scare me. There are things that scare me but being dead is not one of them. Not being alive is my disappointment, I want to live, I want to live to ride thru life with my beloveds, all of you. I want to live to cycle.
No matter what size my tumor grows to be, it will never be the size of my love for life, it will never be as large as the sky that has been mine for 63 years. It can never reach my size, my status. I am a human woman, I am not a disease, I am a blessing. Yes, I am tied to the tracks, Yes, I see the train coming but its smaller than the size of love. Nothing ever grows as large as loving or being loved. Its not possible...
So come on cancer, lets see who you turn me into, lets see how I ride your ugly ass. I bet you one thing cancer, I bet I outshine you. I bet I stay on top as you squeeze the last breath out of every organ. I don't want you but I will ride you like every thing in my life I never wanted. I will out run you right into death. Remember when I go, you go too. Even Steven. When I go, I will go with the luck of having been created human and blessed with the gift of loving...
