I live so inside myself now, I have so little energy, I find it a great challenge being around anyone for very long, a couple of days and I need to retreat. If I can't its never long until I am flat from "people fatigue." It does not matter who it is but with the easier ones, I am able to carry on and take care of myself without their energy exhausting me. Those few, I can last a week or so but after that, I feel my body demanding to be alone and not having to register the energy from anyone or anything else other than getting calm and settled inside my being. I have to rest a great deal, with every year that passes, I will reqire more rest until my body completely surrenders into eternal rest. This is easy to understand but its hard for the physical being and the psyche, the ego to accept. It hurts in more ways than I am able to keep up with, I get lost in this storm and always spend enermous amounts of energy pulling myself back into my little arena of life. If I had not found so many strenous physical disciplines, I don't think I could do this: accept I am dying and accept all I have is this effort and the time it allows me to still be a vital life force, not someone resting in their decline or worse yet, living in hopelessness. That would be painful beyond my imagination because its a place I visit or the thing that scares me off and on and if I fear anything, I fear being locked into that darkness.
My mantra is Iamok,Iamok,Iamok
I hope to keep it that way.
Aloha
